Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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