so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
