Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
