I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
