just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
