i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
