What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
