I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
