He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think your dad took our porno
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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