Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
