After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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