dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
