it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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