Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
