We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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