at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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