Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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