I want to have your abortion
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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