I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
