I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
