I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Damn victory sex feels great
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
