Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
