So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
