apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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