I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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