I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
