is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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