The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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