Welp...herpes.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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