On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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