Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
