it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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