i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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