If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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