i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
