It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
