one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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