I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
