Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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