whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
