I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He shit in the fireplace
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