You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You ruined the universe
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
