I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
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Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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