Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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