I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
time to smoke my breakfast
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
