i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
