Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
this is an emotional support booty call
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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