Your mouth is God's brothel.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The best revenge is premature balding
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
