Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Too much gin, very little bucket
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
