I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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