who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
