my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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