I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
