I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
