Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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