I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
