I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
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