I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
3 2 1 whiskey
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
