he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
