I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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