its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
