Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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