I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
