i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
