Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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