So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
