my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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