I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she peed on how many people?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
